KEANU

NOTE: This spoiler was submitted by Mike

Inside King Diaz’s Church, people are manufacturing drugs.  Two dark and scary looking gunmen enter.  These are the Allentown Brothers (Key and Peele in dual roles).  They shoot up the place.  People die.  Bullets fly.  A cat runs through all the action narrowly missing injury.  Everyone is dead.  King Diaz comes out from hiding and the cat runs up to him.  Uh-Oh!  The Allentown Brothers are still there.  Diaz begs them not to hurt his cat.  The Brother played by Jordan Peele picks up the cat.  They like each other, but that doesn’t stop the Brothers from killing Diaz.  The cat runs away.  The cops show up and we hear gunfire as the cat runs through Los Angeles.

Meanwhile, Clarence (Keegan-Michael Key) drives in his mini-van, jamming to George Michael “Faith”.  He calls his friend Rell (Jordan Peele).  Rell just got dumped by his girlfriend.   He explains, while hitting his bong, that she said he was a loser.  Clarence says he’ll be right there.  They hang up and there’s a scratching sound at the door.  Rell opens it to find the cat, now completely covered in filth.

Clarence arrives shortly after and assures Rell that everything happens for a reason.  Rell, much happier now, agrees and says, “I want you to meet Keanu.”  He presents the now freshly bathed cat. 

2 WEEKS LATER
Clarence’s wife and daughter are headed out for a weekend trip with their friend Spencer (Rob Huebel) and his daughter.  Spencer’s wife got food poisoning and won’t be joining them.  Spencer rolls up the window as Clarence says goodbye to his wife.  As they leave, Clarence considers that for a beat, but decides that it’s probably nothing.

He heads over to Rell’s house to find him making a cat calendar posing Keanu in different movie parody photos.  They head out to see a Liam Neeson movie.  When they return to Rell’s place, they find someone broke in, trashed it and most importantly STOLE KEANU!!!

They call the cops and are told that a lot of times break ins are people either looking for drugs or looking for stuff they can sell for drugs.  So Rell decides to check with his dealer to see if he knows anything.  His dealer, Hulka (Will Forte) is his next door neighbor.  Hulka tells him it sounds like the 17th Street Blips did it.  Rell demands to know where the 17th Street Blips hang out.  Obviously 17th Street…specifically a topless bar called Hot Party Vixens (HPV for short).  The leader of the Blips is a guy named Cheddar (Method Man).

Clarence and Rell go to HPV to look for Cheddar.  Rell adopts his street voice and tells Clarence to toughen up too because right now he sounds like Richard Pryor imitating a white guy.  One of the strippers takes Clarence’s wedding ring.  Hi-C (Tiffany Haddish) asks them what they’re doing there.  They say their names are TekTonic and Sharktank and they’re there to meet Cheddar.  She takes them to see him.  Cheddar wants to know why he’s never seen them before.  TekTonic (Peele) says maybe they didn’t want to be seen.  That immediately makes Cheddar assume they’re the Allentown Brothers.  Yep!  Tek/Rell agrees that they are.  Cheddar heard about the slaughter at King Diaz’s Church and wants the Allentown Brothers to teach his crew how to get the job done.  He also picks up a baseball cap and reveals underneath it is Keanu, dressed in gold chains and a do-rag…now named New Jack.  Tek says they’ll help Cheddar in exchange for the cat.  Cheddar says he ain’t for sale.  Tek tells him that everything has a price.  So Cheddar says that if they help his crew deliver some Holy Shit (it’s like smoking crack with God) he’ll give TekTonic the cat.

Meanwhile, the Allentown Brothers trace Keanu’s dirty paw prints to Rell’s house, which leads them to Hulka.  Hulka tells them that Rell is with the Blips trying to get the cat back.

Rell convinces Clarence to go along with helping the Blips because he needs the cat, plus it’ll be just like Clarence’s day job.  He’ll be teaching Team Building exercises.  They escort the Blips (Bud, Trunks, Stitches and Hi-C) to the deal.  On the way there, the Blips ask them a bunch of questions about the details of the King Diaz Church massacre.  They heard that the Allentown boys ran up a wall, flipped in midair and shot people at the same time.  Rell tries to talk his way out of demonstrating that, while in the background Clarence runs up a wall and flips.    They head to the deal in Clarence’s mini-van.  The Blips want to know why Clarence drives a weak ass van.  Clarence says it’s because the police don’t even look at him in it.  Everyone heads to the Hollywood Hills.

At a mansion, TekTonic goes inside to do the deal with Hi-C while SharkTank and the rest of the crew stand watch.  Sharktank introduces them to George Michael music and soon enough everyone is singing along.  He convinces them that George Michael is hard because he used to roll with a dude named Ridgeley, but when they split up, WHAM, no one ever heard from Ridgeley again! 

Inside the mansion….TekTonic and Hi-C are at the home of Anna Farris (herself).  She got to do some Holy Shit while she was in Europe and is excited to get her hands on more.  She has a couple of friends over and they’re having a big old drug party.  Tek and Hi want to collect the money, but Anna tells them to respect the game.  She pulls out a sword and makes them play Truth or Dare.  Hi-C picks truth and tells a story about a time she cut off a guy’s dick.  Tek picks truth and says he once cut off two dicks.  Hi-C picks dare and Anna dares her to shoot Tek.  There’s a big fight and Hi-C kills Anna Farris and her friends.  They take the money and run.

Back at HPV, Clarence (as Sharktank still) is bonding with the rest of the Blips.  One of them even gets a George Michael tattoo.  Rell (still as TekTonic) and Hi-C bond.  She thanks him for helping her kill all those people.  He corrects her and says that she killed all those people.  He goes in for a kiss, but is denied.  Rell just wants to get Keanu and get out of there now that they’ve done the deal, but Clarence is having fun finally cutting loose.  He says that Rell’s just jealous that the Blips like him more.  To prove he’s wrong, Rell smokes some weed with them and offers it to straight laced Clarence.  Clarence says he only smokes from pipes.  Someone offers him a pipe on the spot.  He hits it and offers it to the Blips who say they don’t mess with Holy Shit. 

Clarence trips hard!  He sees himself in the George Michael “Faith” video, singing and dancing together.  Then he sees Keanu talking to him.  Keanu (voiced by Keanu Reeves) tells him to be excellent and where he goes is up to him.  Clarence says that’s some Matrix shit.  His ringing phone snaps him back to reality.  It’s his wife.  She tells him that she’s coming home early because Spence was being inappropriate.  Clarence tells Rell, “let’s get Keanu and get out of here.”  They do, but are caught by the real Allentown Brothers.

They’re tied up and the Allentown Brothers are going to kill them, but Keanu manages to scratch through the rope and free Rell.  Rell frees Clarence and they grab guns.  They tell the Allentown Brothers that they’re going to shoot them unless they let them take Keanu and go.  The Allentown Brothers don’t listen.  Clarence and Rell shoot the Allentown Brothers.  They hit the ground, but a moment later pop back up.  More gunfire to the chest and they’re down again.

Clarence and Rell escape, but are caught by Cheddar.  They come clean and tell Cheddar what happened.  Cheddar tells them that they’re going to be his Allentown Niggahs anyway.  So they head to Bacon Diaz (Luis Guzman’s) estate so Cheddar can collect the bounty.  Clarence and Rell insist they’re not really the Allentown Brothers, but when Bacon sees Keanu, he recognizes him as his cousin’s, King Diaz, cat Iglesias.  Bacon wants Iglesias back so his aunt has something to remember his cousin.  Cheddar thinks about it for a second, but decides to “light this bitch up”.  There’s a huge gunfight.  Clarence is pleased because he sees that the Blips did learn some team building techniques and are doing well in the shoot out because they’re communicating.  Hi-C gets shot and drops the Keanu.  Rell chases after him, gets him, does a wall flip and is shot in the leg by Bacon.  Clarence gets shot in the hand.  Bacon takes the cat and gets in one of his cars.  Rell jumps in the front seat and drives off.  He tells Clarence he’s going to his house.  Clarence steals Bacon’s son’s car and chases after them.

Bacon and Rell car fight.  Bacon shoots out the windshield.  Rell hits the brakes and Keanu ends up on hood.  Bacon is going to kill Rell, but Keanu jumps in and claws Bacon’s face.  Rell smashes the car into the retaining wall in front of Clarence’s house.  Bacon flies out.  Clarence shows up.  Bacon gets up, but shows up and kills him.  Hi-C turns on Cheddar.  She’s an undercover cop with the LAPD.   Spencer shows up to drop off Clarence’s wife.  Clarence punches him out.  His wife kisses him and tells him, “I want you to fuck me right now!”  They go inside.

Rell and Hi-C talk.  Her real name is Trina Parker.  Anna Farris’ friends were undercover cops too.  The police hire celebrities all the time like Steven Seagal and Shaq.  Anna Farris was undercover too.  The whole thing was faked.  She kisses him.  He tells her he’d like to go someplace.  She says, “Mm-hm.  Jail.  But I’ll testify on your behalf.” 

6 Months Later
Clarence and Rell are in jail, but it’s not that bad.  They’re heroes because they killed the Allentown Brothers.  The rest of the Blips are in jail too. 

The credits roll over different movie parody scenes with Keanu.  Post credits: The Allentown Brothers sit up one more time.  They’re still alive!!!