WHEN BELIEFS INTERFERE WITH VALUES

As I reach to shut out the ringing alarm for the nth time to sleep some more…I wake up guilty later as I have missed out on my morning workout once again. 

The same goes with that break in resolve at the nth moment to indulge in the carb laden food spread and I break my determination to eat healthy for the umpteeth time…

While the above two examples are some common and innocuous ones I find many grappling with, we can be sure to identify this pattern in deeper, and important choices where habit patterns take over what we value…

• That outburst of aggression to gain alignment and obedience over the patience of building long term relationship
• Avoiding confrontation over speaking our mind  
• Saying yes over setting clear boundaries and saying no
• Preferring the comfort of familiar choices over risk and experimentation - place, food, attire..you name it

When we think through, we honestly could find that we value for example - health, respect in relationships, personal boundaries and new experiences..and yet, we are challenged to build habits and patterns aligned with our values. The reasons are plenty, in some cases a traumatic past & unpleasant situations leading to a deeper impact which is out of scope here..

So, WHAT COMES BETWEEN WHAT WE VALUE AND WHAT WE END UP DOING?..In my limited experience it is “CORE BELIEFS” that we hold: .

• An aggressive stance comes from a belief that - results at pace/obedience cannot be achieved or we are powerless - by being “soft” . Eventually ending in having anger and stress management issues and high need for control 
• The belief that “conflicts are negative”, or to belong/fit in one must be amicable and confrontation leads to a negative impact for self and permanent damage to relationships drives preference for silence, compromise and allegiance even when not convinced or aligned. Leads to unhappiness with oneself for being unable to lead an authentic life
• The belief that saying “NO” offends and upsetting others leads to not being liked, rejected or valued allows us to have unclear boundaries. Helplessness and feeling taken advantage of as one is caught in the “yes” trap.
• Belief that failure is shameful, a disappointment and embarrassing or failure to meet expectations means I am not good enough, prevents one from taking risks. Over a period of time Self doubt and fear of change sets in.
• Going back to the sleep and eating patterns - belief in the body memory of enjoyment & relaxation is the “correct” way to feel - coming from early emotional/enforced eating and sleeping habits. As a result Guilt and self deprecation for not leading a disciplined life

As long as our core beliefs are not aligned with our core values, the integrity between our values and actions continues to be mismatched. What could be the possible beliefs we need to embrace that will lead to change in actions?

• Love brings long term alignment will help handle with patience, and soon lead to shorter lead time for enabling results 
• Conflicts & confrontations are healthy for long term balance in relationships, and any upset emotions can be turned around
• People are capable of dealing with refusal, are independent and boundaries are healthy for everyone and gives more freedom to all involved
• Failures are just a source of valuable learnings and experience, disappointment is not permanent in real (except in our minds).
• Muscle memory can be changed - changing familiar habits gives a sense of accomplishment and desired results when done consistently.

Accepting our current beliefs, shifting our beliefs with a long term lens and choosing to act differently  every time we are faced with a situation, being kind to oneself as we slip along the way and picking ourselves up again to walk the path is a journey towards an #authenticlife!!