Spousal Buy-In: Battle of the Sexes

“DREAM KILLER!”

I’ll never forget the look on Ryan’s face the first time he said this to me.

We were having a heated argument over the kitchen table. 

Ryan’s face was twisted in frustration, his finger was pointed at me accusingly --he was at the end of his rope. 

I wish I could say that this is the last time we ever fought like this, or even that it was the last time I was called a dream killer. Unfortunately for us, this was to be the first of many in a heated game of tug of war that we were about to enter. 

Let’s pause here for a moment….

It’s been 3 years since MHP_IRL Episode 2 aired, and a lot has changed in our lives, business, and marriage since those early days.  My name is Jennifer Narus and I’m Ryan’s wife. After dozens of episodes in the podcast’s three year history,  Episode 2 continues to be one of the most listened to episodes to-date. 

Why?

Because even on your own, entrepreneurship is a journey filled with risk and unforeseen pitfalls that is enough to make even the battle-hardened veterans take pause. The journey is riddled with missteps, miscommunications, and second-guesses. Now throw a marriage dynamic into the mix, and you just put the game difficulty on hard mode. 

The journey that Ryan and I have gone through together as entrepreneurs and as a married couple has been no walk in the park. But the struggles that we faced in those early years can’t just be boiled down to mobile home park investing. The struggles we faced in those early years had much more to do with our inability to communicate and listen to each other much more  than it had to do with our entrepreneurial journey. Mobile home investing served as the rope that we chose for this particular tug of war game. 

This article will give some perspective on those early years. I’m going to share some tips on how to grow well with your spouse in business and use it as a catalyst to strengthen your marriage. 

Now back to the scene at the kitchen table….

That day, Ryan had come home and confidently told me that we are completely changing the course of our plans and dumping all of our savings into trashy, run-down mobile home parks. 

I was livid. 

You see this wasn’t the plan. Ryan and I had the next 5 years of our life all mapped out, and becoming mobile home park investors was definitely not part of that plan. We’d already sacrificed so much to build our future life together.  Ryan had been finishing his MBA internship with Carnival Cruise lines in Miami, Florida while I stayed home in small town Winston-Salem. I was planning our wedding and waiting for the clock to run out on Ryan’s internship so we could start our real lives. 

Things were just about to come together for us, before we knew it we’d be married, Ryan would land a killer job, and we’d move into a nice house, in a nice neighborhood and start our lives together. 

THAT was the plan. The one that we had talked about and agreed on together. 

Then Ryan comes home like a tidal wave one day, breathlessly explaining what sounded to me like a scheme to completely lose our shirts. Ryan excitedly spouted off numbers and ROI calculations with the conviction of a prophet hyping up the Promised Land.To Ryan--a numbers driven guy--MHP investing was the perfect medium to achieve our American Dream. 

But the words floated around in my head like Ryan was speaking gibberish. “He’s got to be kidding me” I thought. Surely he was playing a prank on me after being apart from each other for so long. But as Ryan talked on, I could tell, he was dead serious. 

I wish this is the part where I could say that I quelled my anger and frustration, and instead chose to be the supportive wife. 

But I think you can guess by now that the exact opposite happened...

“FINE, just do whatever you want Ryan, not like you’re interested in my opinion anyway!” I blurted out. 

Seeing red.  I felt like the carefully constructed plans that we had created were falling apart right in front of my eyes and it was driving me crazy. 

Ryan looked like he had just been bitten by a snake. He was so excited to tell me his idea, he never stopped to consider that I would react this way. He lowered his voice, and calmly explained the business model again (in case I missed the obvious advantages to MHP investing that he was trying to show me). 

From Ryan’s point of view I was being irrational...

“Sure, this is a risk Jen, but can’t you see? This is going to change everything for us!”

In my mind it did change everything, for the worse. My dream of white picket fences, and a comfortable life in Suburbia faded before my eyes. Instead, what suddenly stood before me was a dilapidated trailer park riddled with cigarette butts and cars on cinder blocks. 

That night we each receded to our separate corners of the house and an icy silence settled over us. 

This is the part of the story where I wish I could say that we woke up the next morning, discussed our differences, and got 100% on the same page about MHP investing. 

But again, as you’ve guessed, things didn't turn out that way…...

The sense of betrayal that I had felt at that early decision completely closed me off to anything that Ryan said. I didn’t want to listen to his explanations, especially if he wasn’t willing to listen to me. 

Ryan couldn’t understand why I was letting my emotions get in the way of an amazing opportunity for us. “Okay, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before, but I’m telling you now!” was a phrase I remember him repeating a lot back then. 

Ryan battled my resistance with sound logic, financial analysis and persuasive market research. I wanted to hear none of it, I wasn’t going to be sold on his idea, no matter how logical. I wanted my husband to look me in the eye for a moment and actually hear me, instead of being talked at.

But that validation never came for me… 

We had reached an impasse, trapped in a tug of war, both of our hands gripped firmly on the rope. Both of us dug in our heels, unwilling to concede ANY ground in this war. 

And this battle went on, for the better part of two years. Sure, things simmered down a bit. I resigned myself to the understanding that Ryan was going to do what he wanted anyway. And he figured that eventually, I’d see the error of my ways and realize that mobile home park investing was a profitable source of income for our family. 

Looking back, we could have avoided a lot of headache and frustration if we had just stopped for a moment and considered what the priority really was. 

Because what we learned in those two years, through many disagreements and tearful conversations, was that the priority should have been focused on winning together rather than beating each other in tug of war. As Ryan says “marriage is about disagreeing well and growing together”. 

For Ryan, winning together in this situation meant that he needed to put aside his analytical mind for a minute and understand where I was coming from. He needed to understand that my resistance to MHP investing had nothing to do with the numbers, but rather feeling like I had no control over the situation. Once he acknowledged this we were finally able to make some headway and move forward. Slowly but surely, my mind began to change about MHP investing.

For me, winning together meant that I needed to put aside my emotions and support my husband. It was no secret that Ryan was incredibly passionate about this venture-- his face lit up like a guy waiting for his prom date every time he talked about MHP’s. And I’ll admit, I felt jealous, because I couldn't see what was so great about this “other woman” that had suddenly entered our lives. 

My feelings of resentment clouded my ability to see that I was actually being a bit of a dream killer. 

Once, when the rage and frustration had really boiled over Ryan furiously blurted out, “if we went belly up and had to live in a dilapidated mobile home, you’re saying you wouldn’t love me anymore? What happened to “for better or worse”?

Ouch.

That comment hit me right in the chest. And forced me to look at what really mattered to me.

Did I want Ryan, and all his passion, struggles, and dreams for the future. Or did I just want a comfortable life with Ryan? 

The answer was obvious to me at that moment, I wanted Ryan. 

And from that moment on, my heart softened, and I changed the way I looked at MHP investing. And once I started to actually let myself feel Ryan’s excitement, it became infectious. 

My three biggest tips for married entrepreneurs:

1- Make sure you’re ready for the impact that will have on your life

It seems simple, but most people tend to get caught up thinking of how more money and freedom will change their lives. They forget to consider the impact that entrepreneurship can have on your closest personal relationships. 

Pro Tip: build a strong network of supportive people to share this journey with you. Invest in mentors and get involved in industry groups, somewhere that you can go to ask questions when you get stuck. Speak to your spouse often and commit to making critical decisions together. 

2- Be willing to risk it all

No one said that this would be easy. But if you both go into this with an “all-in” attitude you’re going to reap the rewards of your efforts multiplied. Just like the old saying goes “scared money don’t make money” 

3- Be patient

Be patient with your spouse, be patient with yourself, and most importantly be patient with the process. There are going to be times when you feel like your business isn’t moving fast enough.

Be patient. 

Give it everything you have.

And keep your eyes on the prize. 

Where are we now? 

By learning to integrate the principles I laid out above, and seriously working on our communication skills, Ryan and I were able to get through those nitty-gritty early years. If you had asked me three years ago where we’d be, I would have said probably stuck in some old trailer somewhere using pots and pans to catch leaks from the roof. 

But here we are three years later and I’m happy to say, we’ve made it.

Ryan and I now work together full time for our MHP investing company Archimedes Group. Ryan handles acquisitions and property management among other things, and I work in the back office on administration and bookkeeping. 

It hasn’t always been sunshine and roses, and we still have days that make us question our sanity. But the important thing is, we’re prepared to handle whatever comes our way because we’ve invested our time and energy into learning how to disagree well and grow together. And these days, we find ourselves entering the tug of war arena much less.