The Happiness Dilemma

Recently, it occurred to me that the happiest period of my life was from 2007 to 2009.

Not my adolescence, not my rebellious teenage years, not the fast-paced, challenging five years I spent in the Marines, not my time in college and grad school (although arguably the most fun), not now. 

2007 to 2009...that was the time.

I went through this mental exercise as I was enjoying the last days of summer in the Midwest and contemplating the long winter ahead. I was feeling a tinge of melancholy and realized that it had been a while since I had looked forward to the winter & holiday season with anticipation and excitement.

For most of my life, the holidays were something I looked forward to...going back to high school bus rides to Woodfield Mall ("the biggest mall in the United States!" proclaimed its owners) to shop for presents and check out the Commodore 64 display at the computer store.

When I was older, I eagerly anticipated the holiday get togethers with friends & family, meet-ups at Butch McGuire's (an annual Chicago pilgrimage), decorating the house while listing to music playing on the turntable, and of course seeing the kids wake up on Christmas morning to find presents left under the tree. It was arguably my favorite time of the year.

But I now found myself dreading the holidays, and feeling generally unhappy all around, and I wondered what was going on. And I fell back on an exercise that I do regularly with my kids: The Three Happinesses.

The three happinesses is our family name for a simple game we play to remind us of the positive things in our lives. We go around the table asking each person to name three things that they are happy about that day...it is a basic thankfulness exercise that helps bring positivity to the forefront while also providing a glimpse into each other's daily activities & interactions.

Anyway, I decided to use this exercise to do a little self-analysis and added a twist by asking myself: "when was the happiest time of your life?"

Almost immediately, I thought of the time period between Spring of 2007 and Winter of 2009.

But I was asking the wrong question...the really important part wasn't "when?", it was "why?"

On the surface, there were some compelling reasons. That time period included the tail-end of the newlywed phase of marriage, the birth of both our daughters, and moving into the first real house I had ever lived in. But was there something more to it?

After all, the subsequent years have included amazing moments for me and my family, world travel, career progression, and many more exciting times. Yet, none of those years evoked the sense of contentedness and joy that I experienced in 2007-09.

Why?

Then it struck me. Happiness, while subjective, is not simply a factor of what is happening in my immediate orbit. It is a complicated equation, comprised of both endogenous and exogenous variables.

As I considered the various factors influencing my state of mind during that time, three major factors emerged:

1. My Life was Full of Joy - as I mentioned earlier, it was an incredibly rich time on the personal front...less than two years into my marriage, welcoming my first daughter, and then her sister just 22 months later, moving into a "real" house for the first time in my life, progressing successfully on the career front, being surrounded by family and friends, etc.
2. My Days had Clear Meaning & Purpose - first & foremost as a factor of being a husband & father, but also on the professional front as a leader in the campaign to bring the Olympic Games to my hometown of Chicago. Being part of group effort and international campaign that involved hundreds directly and millions by extension contributed mightily to a strong sense of purpose and clarity of mission.
3. Hope was in the Air - the "hope & change" mantra of the Obama campaign was more than just political rhetoric at the time, there was palpable optimism surrounding us, both in the U.S. and abroad. A feeling that the world was becoming smaller and more united, and a sense that technology would lead to more equality, prosperity and peace.

Myriad studies and frameworks, from Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs to Diener's Five Factors of Happiness, point to the importance of the three conditions I identified, along with additional elements impacting happiness. But my experience points to these three factors above all else as differentiating that brief period as the happiest time in my life.

And it is the third factor that concerns me most; as it is both beyond our individual control and noticeably absent in the world today.

Both Maslow and Diener pointed to the importance of feeling safe in our homes, our societies, our cultures. Many other studies have highlighted the importance of feeling safe to express one's true self, however that self may be defined. I would argue that despite the progress made in recognizing and respecting individuals and communities, many individuals and groups feel more targeted than ever before, contributing to a pervasive sense of unease.

A contributing factor is certainly social media...Technology's promise turned out to be Pandora's box, releasing curses upon mankind that are only now starting to be understood and that will take many more years to mitigate.

The pandemic and resulting increase in social isolation likewise contributed to making the world less connected and "safe". Making it harder for our kids to find happiness and contributing to what feels more like pessimism than hope.

And that sucks.

Not just for me, or my kids, my friends, my family...for everyone.

Because I believe that the three factors listed above (joy, purpose and hope) are truly the key variables in defining happiness.

And the fact that hope is dependent in large part upon exogenous factors means that society plays a huge part in us truly achieving happiness.

And society seems really uninterested in embracing hopefulness and positivity right now.

So what do we do?

Maybe we can be like Sisyphus.

For as long as I can remember, I have been intrigued by the myth of Sisyphus, the king who was sentenced to an eternity of pushing a boulder up a mountain, never being able to reach the summit before the boulder rolls to the bottom again. It is truly a pessimistic story.

Yet, when asked to write a story of hope in high school I used Sisyphus as my example; arguing that only by embracing the hope that he could successfully reach the summit could Sisyphus achieve freedom from his punishment and break the psychological chains that held him. So every day he awoke with hope that today would be his day, and he did his best to succeed despite impossible odds. And in doing so, he was free...not from the physical torture that Zeus had cursed him with...but from the psychological prison of despair.

It was a contrarian approach, I admit. I believe I received a "C" on that paper.

But I still believe in the underlying premise. We may not be able to control the pessimism, divisiveness and outright hostility swirling around us these days. But we can take steps to embrace hopefulness, and to nurture it and spread it where we can.

This is my attempt to do just that. And I hope that the two or three people that actually made it this far in reading this interminable monologue can take away this message:

You are good. Most people are good. Most people are nice. And everyone needs a little hope in their life to be truly happy.

So be hopeful in the face of pessimism. Trust in your fellow humans. Put positive energy out there, regardless of what is coming your way. Avoid the clickbait and sensationalized rhetoric. Smile more. Complain less. Let the guy in the next lane cut in, even if he doesn't deserve it.

Remember, we need more Hope in the world.

Because I don't want to believe that my happiest days are behind me.

And neither should you.

NOTE: This article is from Random Dispatch, an occasional newsletter I send out. If you would like to view the rest of this issue and/or receive future Dispatches to your inbox, click HERE.