Ever worried about someone thinking you’re an ass?

Being worried what other people think about us is like an interval invasion that when attacks keeps us living and performing small. Why? Because when we are focused on survival we are constrained to “fitting in”. You can’t stand out, raise the bar and do what others think is impossible by playing it safe. Survival = safety.

Our brains are old. They were designed for survival. Back when we were cavemen and cavewomen that programming was incredibly useful as danger would likely even in our demise. We needed our brains to be hyper focused on scanning our environment to keep us safe; you didn’t want to become dinner for a sabre toothed tiger. One of the ways we found safety was in numbers; being part of a tribe. Being in a tribe gave us a better chance of survival with more people on the lookout for danger and more hands to hunt & feed one another other; as long as you weren’t the slowest runner your odds were pretty good. To maintain this level of safety you needed to stay a member of the tribe. Being ostracized would have meant certain death. Dramatic? Nope. So we went to work on ensuring the tribe saw us as one of group. We focused on fitting in.

Think about that, thousands of years ago the brain became attuned to acceptance and created a psychology in which it’s constantly trying to fit. That programming is still in our minds today.  That part of our brain, the fight/flight/freeze response, has not evolved.  

We are hard wired to worry about what others may think of us. We are worried about looking like an ass in front of them. However, their opinions simply shouldn’t hold any weight. By letting other people’s thoughts, feelings and opinions have power over you, you are without question being held back from performing at your best.

Am I saying you ignore everyone’s opinion and thoughts? Of course not.  Feedback, advice, thoughts from people who really know you and care about your growth is likely beneficial. Same goes for people who have accomplished significant things in their lives, and can offer you value because of their own achievements. But the reality is you should be ignoring the opinions of most people.

So how do you overcome this fear of looking like an ass?  The fear of what other people think holding you back. 

The first step to overcoming is coming to terms with the fact that many people won’t like you. No matter what you do, they simply won’t like you. Of course there will still he many people that will like you. But not everyone. Your mission isn’t to be liked by all. You aren’t trying to “fit in”.  You are living your truth. 

The next step in overcoming our anxiety around other people’s opinions of us is accepting it’s a hard wired response. It’s in our make-up. We are working to recognize when it does show up. When our anxiety rises. Increasing our awareness so that we can choose to respond rather than react.

Our identities too often end up being about what we do and what results we achieve. An identity based on the tangible outcomes we seek has us focused on external validation. How can you not be concerned about other people’s opinions of you in this context. Shifting the context and exploring your purpose is an important step. When you’re clear on your why and use that to drive your actions then you find freedoms from other peoples opinions. Purpose is grand and important, and no one’s opinion can measure up to your internal mission. 

Finally, we need to develop tactics and habits for managing our fear response. Mindfulness practices can be helpful, as can breathing to help centre us. Many high performers have developed self talk and visualization techniques to help them reframe the situation. There are many techniques available to you but without a habit to help you when triggered you’ll slip back to reacting instead of responding. 

Worrying about what other people think of you will make your play small. You have the ability to play big. It’s your choice.  You can’t make an ass of yourself if you don’t care what people think. Don’t let what other people think of you hold you back. If you really think about it, you will realize it’s not actually other people’s opinions holding you back but how you choose to give power to what other people think.

(The photo is of Ella, a donkey we visit and feed at a local animal rescue close to us.)

P.S. Whenever you're ready to live big we are here to help in a couple of ways.

1 - Check out our short guide to positive self-talk. A tool that many high performers use to perform at their best. Get it here.

2 - If you'd like my help directly then send me a quick message that just says “I’m ready”. I will ask you a few questions to see how we may be able to help you unlock the greatness within and achieve your goals.