3 Reasons We Struggle With Bad Habits.

Why do we do the things we know we shouldn't and don't do the things we know we should? I think this really comes down to understanding yourself and understanding what you value. I say this famously all the time:

We always do what we value most

... and we must understand who we really are. A lot of our twenties is spent closing what I call the Identity Gap; the difference between who we think we are and who we actually are. The ideal self versus the real self.

Let's break this down into 3 simple reasons why most of us struggle with breaking bad habits and adopting new, positive habits:

1. Society & Culture Shapes the IDEAL Self

The ideal self is really a conglomeration of values that we inherited through society, culture, or family that really hasn't been 'baked' into who we are yet. For example, you're told that it's important to exercise, have a balanced diet, meditate, etc. and therefore you set goals to exercise 5 x a week, meal prep, and download a meditation app.

The first week, you nail it - on point. Week two, you miss a workout, forget to meal prep, and fall short on meditating on the weekend. Week three- maybe you squeeze in 2 workouts, are ordering takeout more days than not, and stop meditating. Sound familiar?

Who you really are is how you show up every day. Who you really are, shows up in the decisions you consistently make.

Recognizing this pattern is the first step. Coming to terms with the fact that most of us are painted this picture of what it means to be successful, happy, and fulfilled is necessary to understand why we aren't where "we should be".

2. The Decisions We Make are Tied to Needs, not Wants.

How we show up every day (aka who we really are) is based on the decisions we consistently make, and these are based on The Six Human Needs psychology that was famously founded by Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.

This framework depicts the underlying needs that are driving our behavior that we're often not fully aware of. There are needs that are driving our behavior that keep us stuck in certain patterns and it's only when we bring those up and understand:

"What need am I trying to fulfill by this behaviour?"

For instance, you're trying to quit smoking because it's terrible for your health yet you can't seem to kick the habit (no matter how bad it is for you!) Maybe there's a significance you get from smoking - meaning you started smoking to look/feel 'cool' or 'older' with the kids who were all smoking. Maybe you come from a family of smokers and there's an underlying need for love & connection that is tied to the habit.

Once there's awareness around the subconscious, underlying needs that are being met that is directly tied to negative habits, it gets easier to disassociate and change your behavior.

3. Inflated Expectations Vs. Reality

When we set goals to eliminate negative behavior (bad habits) we usually base them on the premise that the ideal self is going to be operating. The truth is until we accept that the ideal self is who we are working towards, and the real self is the person in the drivers' seat, will we be able to set realistic expectations that result in real change.

In summary, if you're in a vicious cycle of trying to break a bad habit, starting then failing - think about how the 3 reasons described in this article relate to you. What is your version of the ideal self and how does it compare with your real self (how you show up every day)? What underlying needs are tied to your bad habits/behavior? Are you setting realistic expectations?

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