Trauma bonds occur in very toxic relationships, and tend to be strengthened by inconsistent positive reinforcement—or at least the hope of something better to come. Trauma bonds occur in extreme situations such as abusive relationships, hostage situations, and incestuous relationships, but also in any ongoing attached relationship in which there is a great deal of pain interspersed with times of calm (or maybe just less pain). I liken it to a heroin addiction—the trauma bond relationship promises much, gives fleeting feelings of utopia, and then it sucks away your very soul.
If you or someone you know has been in an abusive relationship, you have witnessed the strength of this type of relationship. Maybe you or someone you know is trying to get out, but seems incapable of leaving.
Well, there is hope. Here is some advice on how to break a trauma bond:
1. Make a commitment to live in reality
If you find yourself wanting to fantasise about what could be or what you hope will be, stop.
2. Live in real time.
That means stop holding on to what “could” or “will” happen tomorrow. Notice what is happening in the moment. Notice how trapped you feel. Notice how unloved you feel.
3. Live one decision at a time and one day at a time.
Sometimes people scare themselves with all-or-nothing thinking.
4. Make decisions that only support your self-care and sense of self.
If you find yourself feeling weak, don’t mentally berate yourself, but rather talk to yourself in compassionate, understanding, and reflective ways.
5. Start feeling your emotions.
Whenever you are away from the abusive person in your life and feel tempted to reach out to them for reassurance, stop. Consider writing your feelings down instead.
6. Learn to grieve.
Letting go of a toxic and unhealthy relationship and breaking a traumatic bond may be one of the hardest things you ever have to do.
7. Understand the “hook.” Identify what, exactly, you are losing.
Once you can identify what this need (or hook) is, you can get down to the business of grieving. Grieving means (figuratively) holding your hands open and letting it go.
8. Write a list of bottom-line behaviors for yourself.
Whatever your areas of concern, determine what you need to do to change and make those your bottom-line behaviors. For example: I will not argue with someone who has been drinking. I will take care of my own finances.
9. Build your life.
Little by little, start dreaming about your future for yourself (and your children, if you have them); in other words, make dreams that don’t involve your traumatic partner. Start making life-affirming choices for yourself that take you away from the toxic interactions that have been destroying your peace of mind.
10. Build healthy connections.
The only way to really free yourself from unhealthy connections is to start investing in healthy ones. Reach out for professional help as needed.
