Liberate Group Limited’s Post

Have you ever been around people who always seem to bring the conversation back to being about themselves? We call this the Boomerang Effect, and honestly, we've probably all done it at one point or another. The problem is that it undermines our influence. When we're more concerned about being "interesting" to others rather than being "interested" in them, then we do things like name-drop, interrupt, or "one-up" other people in the conversation. Whether it's conscious or not, it communicates that we are more "for ourselves" than "for the other person" in that moment, which does not encourage trust or chemistry. Instead it will typically cause others to put up "walls of self-preservation" and it may limit the depth of your relationship. In a work setting, it can inhibit our communication and effectiveness. Part of being "for others" and developing greater influence with them is actually being "interested before being interesting." When we focus on being "interested" first, then we learn things about people and pave the way for greater influence and impact. And in today's world, relationships are the currency that drive performance and productivity.

I find myself engaging in conversations that, on the surface, seem ordinary but are deeply impactful. Consider this scenario: A successful career, ample time with loved ones, personal space for self-care - it all appears to be a blueprint of an ideal life, doesn't it? Yet, beneath the veneer of this 'perfect' existence, there's an elusive gap, a sensation of something amiss that's difficult to pinpoint. The dialogue usually unfolds like this: "Despite having everything, why don't I feel content?" she pondered, not understanding the heaviness that plagued her. Our conversation wasn't random; it was a quest for clarity. "Help me make sense of this feeling," she urged. "What if there's an action I'm supposed to take?" she speculated. This was our starting point for deeper exploration. From my experience, these discussions aren't unique. They are shared narratives of searching for meaning beyond the surface. Here’s how I approach it: 🔹 𝗟𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗨𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴: Truly hearing what's said (and unsaid) to grasp the essence of the dilemma. 🔹 𝗚𝘂𝗶𝗱𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝘁𝗼𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱 𝗦𝗲𝗹𝗳-𝗗𝗶𝘀𝗰𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆: Using questions rather than answers to lead individuals to their own epiphanies. The beauty of these interactions is their transformative potential. A gentle nudge is often all it takes to illuminate the path forward. Does this resonate with you? Maybe it's time we scheduled a conversation.

THE BOOMERANG EFFECT: Have you ever been around people who always seem to bring the conversation back to being about themselves? This is called the Boomerang Effect. Unfortunately, we’ve probably all caught ourselves doing it as some point. The problem is that it undermines our influence. When we’re more concerned about being “interesting” to others rather than being “interested” , then we do things like name-drop, interrupt, or “one-up” other people in the conversation. Whether it’s conscious or not, it communicates that we are more “for ourselves” than “for the other person” in that moment. This does not foster trust or chemistry. Instead it will typically cause others to put up “walls of self-preservation” and it may limit the depth of your relationship. In a work setting, it can inhibit our communication and effectiveness. Part of being “for others” and developing greater influence with them is actually being “interested before being interesting.” When we focus on being “interested” first, then we learn things about people and pave the way for greater influence and impact. In today’s world, relationships are the currency that drive performance and productivity. Be self-aware this weekend. Before you respond, ask yourself: Am I trying to “boomerang” the conversation so that I sound more interesting?

In real life, just having a superior argument or logical reasoning doesn’t get other people to change their minds about their deeply held beliefs. Ask yourself, how many conversations in the past with friends and strangers have led the other side to change a deeply held belief? People change their minds about such things on their own. They come to new conclusions when they reflect on new ideas and experiences in their own lives, allowing them to gradually see things from a different perspective. Battling over arguments is often about battling over differing interpretations of the evidence. All this does is keeps people from exploring why they feel so strongly one way or the other. Your best bet is to guide people through such conversations by focusing on asking open-ended questions that prompt them to think and reflect on their own thoughts and experiences.

How to know a person We all think we know people well, but how often do we truly see them? In How to Know a Person, David Brooks challenges us to dig deeper and move beyond surface-level interactions. The stories, emotions, and nuances that shape who someone really is are often hidden beneath the surface, waiting to be uncovered. Brooks doesn’t just talk about knowing people; he teaches us how to create space for genuine connection in a world that often moves too fast for real understanding. It’s a call to slow down and listen with intention—because sometimes, what’s left unsaid is the most important thing we need to hear. As part of my summer reading list, I promised to report back on this one—and here are some key takeaways: 1. The Art of Deep Listening: It's more than hearing words—it's about catching the emotions and intentions behind them. To know someone is to listen without agenda.  2. Empathy is a Skill, Not Just a Trait: You can cultivate empathy by being more curious, asking thoughtful questions, and suspending judgment. It's a muscle we can all build.  3. Vulnerability Leads to Authenticity: We learn more about others when we allow ourselves to be open. Mutual vulnerability deepens relationships.  4. Patterns and Life Stories Matter: People aren't just their actions in the moment—understanding someone's past is key to understanding their present.  5. Resist the Rush to Judgment: First impressions can be deceiving. True understanding takes patience and time. So, when you’re ready to know someone beyond their LinkedIn profile or small exchanges, I invite you to be more curious and intentional with your conversations and connections. #DeepListening #EmpathyInAction #PersonalGrowth #Connection #RelationalDynamics #HowToKnowAPerson #ShiftingPerspectives #ShiftinglyImpact 

You’re the reason conversations fail. Yes, you! Want to fix it? Start by questioning yourself. Ever feel like everyone is talking, but no one is listening?    Brace yourself: it’s not just them. It might be you, too. Here’s how I learned that the hard way: Yesterday, my son Mateo and I got into a heated debate about Jordan Peterson. We share so much—values, love, even quirks. But when I suggested reading an article from 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘌𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘰𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘵 that challenged his perspective, he shut it down faster than I could say, “Just try it.” I was furious at his close-mindedness. Until I asked myself: 𝘈𝘮 𝘐 𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵? I pride myself on being open-minded. I was taught to argue dialectically: thesis, antithesis, synthesis—a style that insists on exploring all sides before concluding. Yet here I was, frustrated at Mateo for not hearing me out while I refused to fully step into his shoes. That’s when it hit me: 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝗳𝗶𝗿𝗺𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗯𝗶𝗮𝘀—the sneaky villain of modern discourse—had me in a chokehold.  𝗖𝗼𝗻𝗳𝗶𝗿𝗺𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗯𝗶𝗮𝘀 is what happens when you: 👉 Seek evidence that supports what you already believe. 👉 Twist facts to fit your narrative. 👉 Ignore, forget, or dismiss what challenges your worldview. It’s like building an echo chamber… 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘥. So, here’s the controversial truth: It’s not just 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮—the extremists, the trolls, or “that person” on X. It’s me. It’s you. It’s all of us. We’re so sure we’re right that we’ve forgotten how to listen. Here’s what I’m challenging myself (and you) to do: 1️⃣ Start every conversation with curiosity, not certainty. 2️⃣ Actively seek perspectives that unsettle you. 3️⃣ Test your beliefs like a scientist: try to prove them wrong, not right. 4️⃣ Resurrect the art of the dialectic: thesis, antithesis, synthesis. It’s uncomfortable. It’s humbling. But it’s how we grow. Here’s my takeaway for today: The problem isn’t just ignorance—it’s 𝘤𝘦𝘳𝘵𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘺. So next time you think, “𝘐’𝘮 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵, 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺’𝘳𝘦 𝘸𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨,” stop and ask: “𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘧 𝘐’𝘮 𝘸𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨?” 💡 Over to you: What’s one belief you’ve recently 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘥? Share it below—I want to learn from you. PS: Want to know more about how to conquer confirmation bias?  Drop “BIAS” in the comments, and I’ll send you my favorite strategies for busting echo chambers! 

Conversation So… Go and talk to someone… That is to say… actually get up off your backside and go… find someone… And begin talking together… Don’t just volley… ‘texts’… Be together… And if you actually bother to do this… Try and notice something… Notice how things come out of your mouth that will be surprising… even to you… Notice that the ‘chemistry’ of interacting with another human being… generates… and invites… new things into the world… Things you may have to stop yourself for a moment… to realize… aren’t actually ideas you entered to conversation with… New thoughts… new ideas… new perceptions… Perspectives bend a little… ‘Feelings’ start arriving… they catalyze the imagination… Ideas form… Although… You probably don’t think so… It’s just… ‘talk’ after all… Nothing to get too excited about… Which is why you don’t… Which is why you’re just as happy to text… And not actually talk… Not actually… engage… If you stop and gave a look around… you may realize… There isn’t a lot of… ‘engagement’ happening around you… You… or anyone else for that matter… Just a lot of tactics… And transaction… Making list… Checking boxes… So called… “getting shit done…” Except that what you consider ‘done’… Is pretty meager… It seems important in the moment… And by tomorrow… In fact a few hours from now… You won’t even remember it… Anymore than you might remember the gears of a clock clicking… No one… any more distinguishable than another… Just the endless hum of the busybody… the bee hive… The ant farm… Conversations aren’t gears on a flywheel… They aren’t anonymous… They are generative acts… Even when they spark up conflicts… But all conversations are not arguments… The best conversation are a kind of ‘magic’… Human magic… So natural and commonplace that we don’t even notice it… They fling open doors… In a manner of speaking… you’re allowed entrance into one another… That is if you choose to go through those doors… Which you won’t… if your only barking at one another… not really listening… Just constantly re-loading your gun for another round of attack… But the deepes conversations are not crossfire… They’re not debates… Polemics… Sometimes they are like small puddles of water… that somehow breakthrough to one another… flow together… Become one… Become ‘chemical’… and mix together… Creating something that wasn’t there before… Something… new… The word ‘conversation comes from an old Latin term… Conversatio… Which means… "to turn about with…" ‘Com’… or ‘con’… which means… "with… or together" + ‘versare’… which means… "to turn… or to change…" Qualities that just don’t happen… when all you ever really do is… text…

Something I heard Joshua Hurt say that really stuck with me, “You can’t be empathetic when you’re talking.” Active listening is such a vital skill to cultivating human connection. It takes humility, and vulnerability, to wholeheartedly invest in a conversation but more importantly, the relationship. We have to be more interested in the other person than in ourselves. I’m also reminded of Dr. Theresa Wiseman’s four attributes of empathy. ✅ Perspective taking ✅ Staying out of judgement ✅ Recognizing emotion in other people ✅ And, communicating that (back to them). Let’s set aside distractions, both externally and internally, to listen better to cultivate more meaningful relationships. "Those with curious minds want to learn from the people around them: They want to understand. They seek and explore. They are oriented outward, focused on other people, and interested in others' ideas and concerns." - Susan Scott, ‘Fierce Conversations’ "You cannot lead people you do not feel affection for." – Dr. Brené Brown #whyshouldanyonebeledbyyou  #relationshipsmatter  #activelistening 

The next time you’re in an argument with someone, I want you to try something. After stating your position, stop and ask the other person: “What am I missing?” If the other person is willing to respond honestly, one of two things will happen. They’ll either help you see what you’re missing, which will help you see their point of view and resolve the argument. Or they’ll realize that you aren’t missing anything, and you’re right — which will help them embrace your point of view, while also feeling respected. And feeling respected lowers the other person’s defenses and ratchets down the tension, which makes resolving the argument much, much easier. There’s just one catch: You have to actually mean it when you ask this question. You have to be truly willing to hear what you get back. Even if you disagree with it. This technique cannot be performative. It has to be genuine and posed in good faith. Performative curiosity is pretense and condescension. Genuine curiosity is empathy and relationship. So give this a try, and see how it changes your conversations. Just don’t forget to listen. Take in what you get back. Reflect on it. That’s where the real work begins. Have you found this principle to be true in your world? Struggling to make use of it? Hit the comments and tell me about it. I’m all ears!

"The next time you’re in an argument with someone, I want you to try something. After stating your position, stop and ask the other person: “What am I missing?” If the other person is willing to respond honestly, one of two things will happen. They’ll either help you see what you’re missing, which will help you see their point of view and resolve the argument. Or they’ll realize that you aren’t missing anything, and you’re right — which will help them embrace your point of view, while also feeling respected. And feeling respected lowers the other person’s defenses and ratchets down the tension, which makes resolving the argument much, much easier. There’s just one catch: You have to actually mean it when you ask this question. You have to be truly willing to hear what you get back. Even if you disagree with it. This technique cannot be performative. It has to be genuine and posed in good faith. Performative curiosity is pretense and condescension. Genuine curiosity is empathy and relationship. So give this a try, and see how it changes your conversations. Just don’t forget to listen. Take in what you get back. Reflect on it. That’s where the real work begins. Have you found this principle to be true in your world? Struggling to make use of it?" (JH)