How to build trust

- It's counterintuitive that's it's possible to build trust in the event of breaking a promise. You say well how can that be? If you break a promise you destroy trust. But those are two different things. I'd like to share a couple stories. I was in Europe, and I had promised my daughter, Sophie, that I would get back to her birthday party that was on Saturday. We lived in Colorado. The company that I was working with had a very important decision to make, and they couldn't make the decision on Friday, and the CEO asked me, can you stay? We'll finish on Monday. And you know, I couldn't. I mean I had promised my daughter that I would be there for her birthday, it wasn't a trivial thing. So I told him I couldn't commit, but I would check. So I called my daughter that evening. It was in Europe. Colorado was the morning. I called her and I said to her, Sophie look, I explained the situation, I was asked to stay here, it's a very important thing. I'd like to stay, but I promised I would go back. So if you want me back, I will be there. I'm taking the plane tomorrow morning and I'll be there at noon, so I can be in your birthday party. But I'd like to ask you, is there anything in the world that you would like so much, that you would prefer that next Saturday, than me in your party tomorrow. And without a seconds hesitation, she said skydiving. I was shocked because she didn't give me a second. I said what? Yeah, I want to jump off an airplane. She was going to be 14. I was taken aback. I said what, I don't know. Let me check. So I called, there's an aero club in Boulder, and I called the club and I said my daughter would like to do a tandem jump, do you have this thing? He said yeah yeah, we can do that, how old is your daughter going to be? I said it was a birthday present, so I told him 14. He said oh I'm so sorry, you have to be 18 to do the tandem jump. But we have glider flights that are very exciting. And the way she said very exciting had this ominous tone like it was, it was not a good thing. Exciting for a kid but something in my gut told me that was not going to be a good thing for me. I said okay, let me check with my daughter. So I called Sophie, I explained what I discovered. I said glider flight is great, so we're fine daddy. And we did that. So I stayed. I didn't go to the birthday party with her friends, I mean we had a party when I arrived on Tuesday, but it was a different thing. I broke my promise. But I broke it in a way that we went on the glider ride and it was wonderful, and in a sense, we had more trust afterwards than before. Because I had treated her like my creditor. She's a person. Now in contrast to my daughter, I had a dog. I had a German shepherd, Lila was her name. And when I was working at the computer, Lila would come and with her muzzle, just lift my hands off the keyboard, like let's go run, let's go run. I loved running with her. And I would tell, well wait a minute, in half an hour. I mean it's just something I would say to my dog. And then I get stuck working and it's two hours before. I never apologized to my dog. I never told her I'm sorry Lila, I told you half an hour, but we're not going to go running now, I still have some work to do. I never did. Why? Because she's a dog. I don't feel I'm bound to my promises to dogs. But what's the implication? If I hadn't called my daughter, of if I had just told my daughter, sorry you know I can't go, I'd be treating my daughter like a dog. I'd be treating her like a non person. Like someone who's unable to hold someone else accountable for their word. I don't expect my dog to hold me accountable because she's not a person. That's the definition of a person. Someone that can make commitments, and hold other people accountable for those commitments. So when I treat my daughter, a colleague, an employee, anybody in that way, I'm saying you're a non person. It's the ultimate act of disrespect. In contrast, when I apologize, I explain, I renegotiate, I ask the other person to free me out for the commitment, but I make it worth their wild in the renegotiation, I'm telling them you are a person. You matter to me. You deserve my integrity. You deserve my honoring my word to you. And that builds trust. So take a moment to think, who are you treating like a dog in your professional and your personal life.