When you're criticized

- [Host] Brenda, our instructor stands in a chic room with large windows and boxy couches behind her. - You've spent weeks working on a proposal and your client shoots it down. Your boss isn't happy with your performance. And lets you know. In this video, we'll look at approaches to use When people push back on our ideas or criticize our work, we'll focus on how we can stand up for ourselves without sounding defensive. - [Host] On a white background, a title slides in reading, managing criticism. In the bottom right corner, a minimalist illustration shows a man with tan skin and glasses facing a woman with brown skin and red hair. Her arms are crossed while he gestures openly. - [Instructor] First, check your own listening bias. - [Host] Text reads, check your listening bias. - [Instructor] Ask yourself, are my mental filters or assumptions creating defensiveness? - [Host] The slide fades away to an illustration of a woman sitting in a soft top car between two larger ones. - [Instructor] Here's an example, I'm driving at rush hour with my husband. We're in gridlock traffic and he says, "I knew we should have taken the bypass." - [Host] Brenda returns. - Now I might react with, well, how was I supposed to know? Besides, did you think to look at the traffic app before we left? This response demonstrates a classic intent impact gap. His intention was simply to commiserate with me about the traffic. My interpretation of his intent is that he blames me for choosing a bad route. So depersonalize and assume positive intent. - [Host] The managing criticism slide returns, a new bullet point of text slides in reading, give time to ponder criticism. - [Instructor] Second, give yourself time to ponder criticism. - [Host] It fades away to an illustration of a figure with chin length black hair wearing a blazer. They gaze at a piece of paper in their hands. - [Instructor] A student told me that an assignment I gave was a pointless waste of time. Well, that was hard to hear - [Host] Brenda returns. - But I recognize that the student was frustrated, maybe didn't see the bigger picture, or maybe he was right. I needed time to think. So rather than defend or accept as truth, I simply said "thank you for the feedback." That's it. Often all you need to do is say thank you. - [Host] The managing criticism slide returns, a new bullet point reads, demonstrate empathy. - [Instructor] If you want to say more than thank you, demonstrate empathy. - [Host] A new bullet point, slides in reading, ask questions. - [Instructor] You can also ask questions. - [Host] Brenda returns. - Along with recognizing my student's frustration I could add, please tell me what you had hoped to learn, and how did this assignment miss the mark for you? Next, I love the suggestion from Mark Golsten in a Harvard Business Review article. - [Host] A blue graphic slides in beside her reading, ignore your first two thoughts. - To ignore your first two thoughts, the first one is likely to be defensive and the second one is likely to be accusatory. - [Host] The text fades out and new text replaces it. Reading, lead with your third thought. - Lead with the third thing that comes to mind because by then you're focused on problem solving. - [Host] The graphic slides away. - Do you remember my first response when stuck in traffic? How was I supposed to know? That's defensive. My second response, did you think to look at the traffic app before we left, accusatory? Trying to shift blame. My third thought, and the one I should lead with, focuses on solving the problem. Something like, is there an alternate route we can take? - [Host] The managing criticism slide returns, a new point, reads use yes and. - [Instructor] Finally try using yes and in conversations when you feel defensive, yes and is a tried and true improv comedy trick that allows the conversation to move forward. Let's imagine that Jake criticizes Amanda's resource allocation on a project. He thinks they should have at least one more rep on the team. Amanda resists the urge to personalize this even though her first thought might be, well, doesn't he think we can handle this on our own? She ignores that. Her second thought might be, well, he's just being lazy and needs to step up. But again, she resists this accusatory thought. Instead, her productive conversation goes something like this. - [Host] Brenda fades away through blackness and Jake, a man, in a gray suit with gray hair stands at the desk of Amanda, a woman with a sleek low ponytail. - Amanda, your estimate on time spent on this project is way off, and we cannot begin to meet the client's expectation without an additional rep. - [Host] Amanda's head tilts back a little, a graphic slides in reading, ask questions. - Thanks for bringing this to me, Jake. - [Host] The graphic switches out for a new one, reading check your listening bias. Assume positive intent and express gratitude. - Can you tell me a little bit more about your reasoning? - Yeah, we've added a whole lot more. - [Host] The graphic zips away. - Channels of this campaign and I would feel a whole lot more confident if we had additional support. - [Host] A new graphic pops in reading, demonstrate empathy. - So you're concerned that with the new social media ad, we'll need to add additional rep to cover all of our bases? - Exactly. - [Host] The graphic slides out. - I mean, that makes sense, right? - Yes and I want to make sure that we stay focused and on budget. - Use yes and to move toward a solution. Now you have the basic do's and don'ts for standing up for yourself without sounding defensive. Let's try them out in the toolkit. - [Host] The room fades to black.